L'insouciance est le seul sentiment qui puisse inspirer notre vie et ne pas disposer d'arguments pour se défendre.
-- Françoise Sagan

Monday, August 02, 2010

Internship day20-Emptiness.

Today is the most empty day of my working in Penilla.

They are all gone.
My favorite kids.
Giovani, Elena, Andrei, Maria, Daria, Alexandra, Lasvan, Alexandru, Ioana.......
The teachers I used to work with are out on their vacations as well.

I see those little faces as usual.
But, I cannot remember their names.
No, I never know the little ones' names.
I always play with the big ones.
Now they are seven and are about to go to school.


Today I saw Edy cry.
He never cried. He is the most special child of mine.
He always watches as other children are playing.
He is the observer, sitting next to the teacher, watching kids play.
He seldom talks. But it doesn't mean that he is shy and not energetic.
Edy has some special traits that are different from others.
He is smart, close to you, and mature.

Today I saw Edy cry, when his father was gonna left him.
I miss him held in teacher Ștefania's arms every morning when I arrived.
They are the perfect match.



People here come and go.
Kids grow up and parents take them away to a higher educational institution.
Otilia showed me a lot of the pictures, works, and videos of her children.
She was full of smile when she showed me these.
That was the first day of my work.
I didn't know then that they are her first graduation children.

Today I felt empty when small group crying and shouting out loud in the colorful ball room and small playground.
We never played in the small playground.
Today we got only 12 children.

What did she feel?
What did she feel when she has to read them story and hold them in her breast?

I felt empty when Lavinia today did not stick by my side.
I felt empty when I realized that this place, for the kids, will only be their short stop on their long way to adults.
They come here since 2 or 3. Some stay only for a week, some for a month, some for a summer, and still some, they stay long enough as to remember their play mates, and their teachers.


I asked Otilia if she thought the children left would remember her.
She said to me yes. She is 30 now, and she still remembers her teacher in the kindergarten.
I would say yes, too. I still remember my teachers.
But what about me?
Will they remember the girl with a different looking, coming long from Taiwan, spending two weeks with them?
I doubt that.
I feel sour on my heart.

On Friday I left later than usual.
Giovani left in the noon.
We said goodbye. He hugged me and gave me a kiss.
I was a bit awkward. How could I?
I should have hug him for thirty minutes and give him one hundred kisses.

He is so smart. He was the leader of the big group. He and Elena were a pair.
They fight. They laugh. They speak about secrets. They take turns to stay on the little toy bicycle.

Do he even notice the significance of leaving?
Do they know what does it mean by saying goodbye?
"Baba" is one of my favorite Romania words.
But on Friday, I didn't say that when I watched him walk out that door.


I didn't take the big group's pictures.
Nor did I take the photo of those who left on the vacation.


It's sorrow.


Now the six-year-olds are Ștefinia and Sorana.
Next wee Ștefinia is gonna leave also.
She is the cleverest of all. She is so sweet and thoughtful.
She alway tried very hard to think about a word in English to send her thoughts to me.

One day she didn't wear her blue glasses.
I asked her where it was.
I looked at her. She was thinking deeply and breathing deeply.
And she told me,"glasses, house."
I was so happy, so so much.



So, things go on like this.
People change and grow.
They start to know things. They start to understand each other and get socialized.
They learn all the way till they died.



Every day, my children are older than yesterday.
Every step, they are not the same.

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